I Won't Eat You
by Prudish and Sensible
Summary: When Lipwig got into that black carriage, he wasn't expecting Vetinari's motives to be so forward. How much fear does it take to stop Lipwig from exhibiting reckless behavior? It's a lot, but Vetinari mastered the art of scaring people long ago. Moist/Vetinari smut lemon slash. The last chapter is fluff.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: Severe OOC and smut

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I'm going to go all out and post this uncensored. I wonder how long it will take me to get banned.

The quotes come from Going Postal. Terry Pratchett wrote them and I feel bad about using them for something like this. Why am I even posting this?

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When Vetinari told Lipwig he wasn't going to eat him while sitting in a darkened coach with the drapes closed, my mind fell in the gutter. Seriously, the door even clicked ominously! I got to thinking about what would happen if Vetinari was lying, as he does so often, and actually did eat Lipwig. Then I hit on an idea while looking up British curse words for another story. Apparently 'blow me' and 'pants' have very different meanings in England. Brits are also a little sore about how Americans butcher the English language by saying things like 'you done real good.' I've replaced America with Genua because it kind of reminds me of America.

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(~~TP

Moist went down the main stairs like a maddened tap dancer and ran out through the big double doors. He hurried toward the coach. A man was standing by the invitingly open door.

"Look, what is this about?" Moist demanded, panting for breath. "I don't have all—"

"Ah, Mr. Lipwig," said Lord Vetinari's voice from within, "do step inside. Thank you, Houseman, Mrs. Lavish will be waiting. Hurry up, Mr. Lipwig, I am not going to eat you. I have just had an acceptable cheese sandwich."

What harm can it do to find out? It's a question that left bruises down the centuries, even more than "It can't hurt if I only take one" and "It's all right if you only do it standing up."

Moist climbed into the shadows. The door clicked behind him, and he turned suddenly.

"Oh, really," said Lord Vetinari. "It's just shut, it isn't locked, Mr. Lipwig. Do compose yourself!"

"What is it you want?" said Moist as the coach jerked into motion.

~~TP)

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(Mix of TP and me~~

Lord Vetinari smirked. "I will give you a hint. I lied when I said I would not eat you."

"What?"

In the blink of an eye, Vetinari crossed the gap between them. He put a hand on Lipwig's chest to stop him from getting up and leaned his arm against the wall behind him.

"Why did you get into my coach, Mr. Lipwig?"

"I was told it was outside!"

Vetinari bent his knees and propped them against the seat on either side of Lipwig. He lowered his head so he could see him face to face.

"And if you had been told it was black, would you have found it necessary to do anything about it? There is the door, Mr. Lipwig."

Vetinari removed his hand but to Lipwig the pressure was still there. He tried to convince himself not to think about what the Patrician's body language was implying. He looked at the closed coach door. It was probably locked. The Patrician liked giving people the illusion of choice.

"But…" he stammered. "But, you've been parked out here all morning!" Lipwig wanted to get up but Vetinari's position kept him down.

"It is a public street, sir," said Lord Vetinari. He traced his finger along Lipwig's jawline. "You are restless, Mr. Lipwig. You are careless of your safety. Life has lost its flavor, has it not?"

Moist didn't reply. The Patrician's mirthless grin made him tremble in fear. His eyes widened in panic when he felt a thumb rub the skin under his bottom lip.

"Let us talk about angels," said Lord Vetinari.

~~Mix of TP and me)

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He leaned in and kissed him. It was firm but still tender somehow. Lipwig tried to push him away, but he only got another more enthusiastic kiss in return. When Vetinari pulled back, he could see Lipwig's face frozen in terror. He opened and closed his mouth like a fish. The shock was enough to topple him over with the slightest wind.

"Blow me…" Lipwig muttered breathlessly.

Lord Vetinari grinned and blew a puff of air onto Lipwig's face.

"Yes, it is surprising."

Lipwig blinked. His mind raced, but he could find nothing that would help him deal with this completely bizarre situation. He resorted to following his instincts. Unfortunately, Lipwig's instincts had been carefully reformed from the normal fight or flight into something more dangerous. He recklessly raised the stakes.

"You know I lived in Genua for a few years," said Lipwig. "It means something very different there."

Vetinari narrowed his eyes fractionally.

Lipwig couldn't believe what he had just said. His heartbeat doubled as if it knew that it wouldn't be able to do it much longer. Lord Vetinari smiled viciously and wrapped one hand around Lipwig's neck.

"What did you think I meant when I said I wanted to eat you?" Vetinari loosened Lipwig's gold tie and ran his hand down his chest.

Lipwig realized too late what was happening and his protests died before they reached his mouth. He squeaked as Lord Vetinari grasped his crotch and silenced him with a kiss. He efficiently unbuttoned the gold coat with his other hand. Lipwig held back the urge to defend himself. The most powerful man in the city quite literally had him by the balls. It was not the time to try anything aggressive.

"What the hell are you doing?" Lipwig had to turn his head to speak.

Lord Vetinari pulled on his tie. Lipwig was forced to lean forward giving the Patrician the chance to take off his coat. He tossed it aside and kissed his ear.

"I believe my intentions are quite clear by now," Vetinari whispered. He took Lipwig's earlobe into his mouth and sucked on it firmly. He traced his tongue up the edge and nipped at the top of his ear. "Take off your trousers."

"No! This is daft!"

"You are not a man to go back on his word, Postmaster. You already issued the challenge."

Lipwig reminded himself that Lord Vetinari was a trained assassin. He swallowed hard and opened the button. This wasn't at all what he wanted. He wondered how long the Patrician was planning on taking this. He hoped this odd behavior was just some kind of sick power play meant to scare him and put him in his place. Lord Vetinari touched the back of his waist with both hands and slipped his fingers below the edge. Lipwig gasped when he dipped under the elastic waistband beneath.

"Remember, Postmaster, we are not in Genua." Vetinari thrust his hands down Lipwig's bare cheeks and squeezed mercilessly.

Lipwig's reflexes kicked in and he sprang out of his seat hitting his head on the ceiling of the carriage. The recoil sat him back down, but that split second was enough time for Lord Vetinari to roughly slide Lipwig's trousers out from under him. Lipwig shouted in shock and utter disbelief. He desperately clutched the upholstery and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Fine! I get it! You have complete power over me! I wasn't planning on betraying you anyway!"

Vetinari kneeled on the floor, stripped the rest of Lipwig's lower half, and pushed his knees apart. He kissed the sensitive skin on the inside of his thighs.

"You've made your point!" screamed Lipwig trying to close his legs, but the Patrician had placed himself firmly between them blocking him. His dick practically retracted away from Vetinari in an attempt at self-preservation.

"I am simply carrying out your request," Lord Vetinari said with carefully contrived innocence. He unbuttoned Lipwig's shirt and pulled it down over his shoulders. Lipwig pressed his back against the seat to stop him from removing his shirt entirely. He was shaking in terror and not the good kind of terror.

Vetinari placed a hand over Lipwig's heart. He could feel it racing in pure panic. He paused until Lipwig opened his eyes.

"I can't stop you," Moist whispered. His voice was cracked and feeble. "You own me. I'm a commodity to you, but I can only have one angel."

Lipwig stared at the door and panted with ragged breaths. He forced himself not to cry. It shouldn't be like this. The idle dream had become a nightmare.

"I had expected more from you, Moist von Lipwig," said Lord Vetinari disappointed. "You started out so well."

Anger and indignation bubbled to the surface. "Did I? And now that I've restored the post office I've reached the end of my usefulness?" He knew the Patrician was inclined to breaking things that didn't work anymore, especially if that thing could not be controlled. Moist was already a dead man even if he hadn't gotten into the coach. He glared at Vetinari's infuriatingly unreadable face.

"You take risks, Postmaster," said the Patrician. "It is what you are good at. When did you lose your reckless impunity?"

Lipwig squared his jaw and scowled. "What makes you think it's gone?"

Fueled by his anger and fear Lipwig shoved Lord Vetinari into the opposite seat. Without pausing to think, Moist let his insolent side take over. He grasped the back of Vetinari's neck and kissed him violently. The Patrician parted his lips to let Lipwig ravage the inside of his mouth. He wrapped his arms around him and relaxed his body unresistingly. When Lipwig pulled away, Lord Vetinari was breathing heavily with an oddly hopeful expression.

"You really are full of surprises." He touched Lipwig's stunned face gently and gave him a faint smile. "Did you ever think that perhaps _you_ are the angel?"

Lipwig's mouth hung open incredulously. "What are you…? I… I don't understand."

Vetinari let his arms slide limply off of Lipwig's back. "If I said I trust you would you humor me? I want you. It does not matter how. I can be submissive if you are so inclined."

Lipwig just couldn't think of a way to reply to that. He simply stared at him bewildered.

Vetinari closed his eyes and sighed faintly. "I never intended to rape you. When you brazenly told me to blow you, I thought you would continue to raise the stakes. I never imagined you would act so docilely." He collected himself. His eyes glossed over, cold and sightless, and he resumed his usual demeanor. "If you step aside, I will ask the coachman to take you back to the post office."

Lipwig shifted to allow Lord Vetinari to move freely and reached for his discarded clothes. He watched the Patrician take hold of the handle of a tiny sliding door that was all that separated them from the driver. Suddenly Lipwig felt a pang of uncertainty. The door had only opened an inch before he hit Vetinari's hand away and closed it. He held on as if the rocking motion of the coach would coax it to open again.

Vetinari stared at him with genuine confusion. Lipwig was wearing nothing but a rumpled shirt and tie, but instead of getting dressed, he was clinging desperately to the small door. It didn't make sense. Both of them stayed silent. Lipwig took an unsteady breath.

"At least… let me put my clothes on first…" he muttered lamely.

Vetinari turned his head and closed his eyes for modesty's sake. Lipwig picked up his pants and stared at them.

"Did you mean what you said?"

Lord Vetinari waited before answering. It wasn't his normal pause meant to unnerve people. His hesitation was sincere.

"Yes," he whispered.

Lipwig turned to look at Vetinari, but he couldn't see his face. The man was sitting stiffly in his seat, completely motionless.

"You really trust me?"

Vetinari nodded his head almost imperceptibly. Lipwig's shoulders drooped. He ran his golden silk tie through his fingers.

"You love me…"

Vetinari flinched. It was a tiny movement that spoke volumes. "You should get dressed," he said but the slight shiver in his voice gave him away. Lipwig swallowed hard. He didn't know what to say or even what he felt. Minutes passed before he spoke again.

"You won't even look at me, will you?"

The coach wheels clattered on the cobbles. Vetinari refused to answer.

"Look at me…Please, Havelock."

The words shattered the Patrician's weakened defenses. He fumbled as the mask of office crumbled to dust. He squeezed his eyes shut and sat very still.

Lipwig changed seats so he could be next to him. He still hadn't put his trousers on and he still didn't know what he was doing. He placed one of his hands on the older man's paralyzed shoulder. Havelock tried desperately to transform back into Lord Vetinari Patrician of Ankh-Morpork and resident tyrant. He failed so he decided to pretend.

"When I rescued Albert Spangler, I had little confidence in you," he said in an attempt to push him away.

"That's not helping your relationship with me."

Havelock couldn't suppress a fleeting regretful smile. He felt trapped in a small room where the only option was sincerity. It scared the hell out of him.

"At first I thought I was only envious. The people adore you. They recognize what you have done for them and they praise you for it. I watched you shine. You were flying."

Moist didn't comment. He merely listened. Havelock opened his eyes slowly, but still couldn't look at Lipwig.

"I realized that you had the potential to rise in power. I imagined a future where you used all your strength to overthrow me as Patrician. It took me some time to notice that the prospect excited me. You could truly be my equal, not by besting me in my own game, but by dazzling the right people. Your charisma could potentially destroy me." Hesitantly he turned his head to meet Lipwig's eyes. "I did not imagine I would ever have the opportunity even once…

There was someone else years ago. I let the chance pass me by. He was married before I could tell him. I cannot let that happen again. I am well aware that you love Miss Dearheart. I will not interfere, but if I stayed silent, I would deeply regret not telling you."

"You're right of course," said Lipwig biting his lip. "I do love Adora. She's beautiful, clever, incorruptible, resourceful, and diligent. She's mysterious and dangerous. She's tall, dark, and looks amazing in modest black clothing. She reveals nothing, but that only makes her attention all the sweeter when I hold it."

Havelock couldn't bear to look at him anymore, but Moist held his gaze with soft eyes.

"Did it ever occur to you that I love her because she reminds me of an angel?"

Struck speechless, Havelock was paralyzed in wide eyed disbelief. His breathing was quick and shallow. Moist leaned over and brushed his lips ever so softly on his cheek. Havelock gasped sharply. He pushed Moist away weakly.

"I will not let you toy with me like this," he said a bit more urgently than he intended.

"You said you wanted me. You said it didn't matter how."

Vetinari held onto the hem of Lipwig's shirt. He didn't answer. They were quiet. The bumps in the road bounced the carriage gently and they could hear the people outdoors going about their business. The ambient sounds of the city drew Vetinari back to reality. He looked at the door and imagined what was outside, what he would have to live in if he left now. He thought of what it would be like to return to his duties knowing he had been this close.

He felt Lipwig cup his hand over his cheek. And suddenly, it was not a game anymore. He wasn't playing because there never should have been a game to begin with. The fear crashed down on him.

"I cannot stop you," He said. "You have so much power over me. You own me."

Out of all the things Havelock imagined would happen, he didn't foresee what occurred next.

Lipwig scowled. He roughly grabbed Havelock's beard and tugged him forward. Their faces stopped inches from each other.

"Don't you dare say that again!"

"But—"

Lipwig glared at Havelock sternly. "You told me you wanted me to be your equal. Prove it." Lipwig glared at him briefly before letting go of his beard and relaxing his expression. "Kiss me."

Pure joy bloomed in Havelock's chest. He firmly hugged Moist and kissed him slowly at first but with growing intensity. A hidden spark leapt between them, a magnet that held their lips together. Havelock's tongue wrapped around Moist's and tugged, trying to keep the contact and forget his need for air. Eventually they split apart panting heavily.

"Help me take—off your clothes." Moist stammered breathlessly.

Havelock's nimble fingers hastily unbuttoned his robe of office. He watched Moist unfasten his trousers and felt a rush as Moist touched his cock directly for the first time. Havelock could not get his clothes off fast enough.

"I did ask you to blow me," said Moist, "but I think under the circumstances I'd rather do it."

Havelock let out a short constricted sound as Moist's mouth engulfed the tip of his cock.

"Wait, stop! I…" He groaned as Moist's tongue lapped against his skin. It took all of Havelock's self-control to stop him. "No, not like that. I want to see you. I want you to look at me."

Moist brushed his wet lips down Havelock's shaft and planted a kiss on his belly button.

"I might be able to do that. No promises though," he said as he left a trail of light kisses winding all the way up his chest. He playfully liked his nipple as he passed on his way to Havelock's collar. He lay on top of him and kissed his neck. He could feel his heart pulse under his lips. Havelock moaned and turned his head to let him freely lick the soft warm skin.

Moist licked his lower lip and Havelock opened his mouth eager to let him through. Moist took the invitation and kissed him passionately, hungry for every touch. He felt Havelock's hands slide down his back and grab his butt. He gasped for air then resumed the kiss. He twisted his fingers in Havelock's hair and caressed his pale shoulders. Moist's cock hardened between Havelock's legs.

"I want to fuck you so bad," said Moist.

"Sloppy Genuan grammar turns me off."

"I ain't gonna do what chu says."

"I hate you."

Havelock held him close. He kissed Moist's collarbone firmly and relentlessly licked the hollow at the base of his neck up to his adam's apple. Moist shivered. He hadn't expected it to feel so good. He tipped his head back and let Havelock suck at the surprisingly sensitive spot. He thought of the rumors about the Patrician being a vampire. The added risk thrilled him. Without warning, Havelock switched to Moist's nipples. He grunted in surprise.

Havelock's mouth pulled aggressively at his nipple. His tongue swirled around it as if impatient for it to get hard. Conversely, his nimble hands caressed his skin gently. He lovingly cradled his other nipple in the crook between his thumb and forefinger. He splayed out his fingers to teasingly brush the ticklish area near his armpit.

"Stop that," said Moist and he pinned his arm to his side.

Havelock grinned maliciously. "I do not need to do what you say."

He gently ran his hands down Moist's chest and snuck under his defending elbows to softly touch his sides. Moist clapped his hands down to stop him but Havelock's deceptively strong arms resisted him.

"Say it properly. I remind you that we are not in Genua. You should not speak so coarsely," said Havelock delicately brushing his hands up and down Moist's sensitive sides.

"I ain't gonna," he said with intentionally broken English.

Havelock forcefully wound his tongue around the outside of Moist's nipple making smaller and smaller circles until he reached the center. He bit it casually and started sucking hard. Moist made a sound like he was trying to stifle a hiccup.

"Say it. I cannot allow you to abuse innocent adverbs like that."

"No."

Havelock gave him a deep fierce kiss. He slid his hands down Moist's back to his ass. He locked his legs around him and slouched in the seat pushing his hips forward. Moist moaned and kissed him eagerly parting his lips to gain entrance into his mouth. He pressed his body firmly against Havelock's. His cock screamed in impatience.

"Say it," Havelock whispered breathlessly. His mouth only a centimeter away from Moist's waiting lips. He curved his arms around his thighs and stroked the soft skin on the inside. He hooked his feet around Moist's ankles and pulled his legs apart just enough to slip his fingers into the sloping pit under his cheeks. He pushed a long finger against his asshole. Moist gasped.

"I…"

Havelock smirked and waited.

"I want to fuck you so badly."

Satisfied, Havelock pushed his crotch past the edge of the seat. Moist gasped at the pressure then gasped again when Havelock did something unimaginable. He spread his legs submissively.

"Take me then."

Moist pulled his chest off of Havelock's and balked. "You would let me fuck you in the ass just because I added 'ly' to the end of my sentence?"

Havelock took both their dicks in his hand and stroked them up and down together. Moist curved his back and groaned at the sensation. He placed his hands on the back of the seat for support. Havelock gently squeezed Moist's butt with his free hand.

"I will let you because you asked so nicely." Havelock released Moist's cock and put his fingers in his mouth. He reached down and rubbed his own asshole. "There is something you must do first though."

Moist hesitated for only a second before positioning himself. On the way down, he briefly kissed Havelock's head and balls. He heard his breath catch and saw his dick twitch.

Moist smiled in satisfaction and strongly licked the seam that led to his hole. Havelock moaned and pulled Moist's head forward even before he reached it.

"Do… do that again. Harder this time."

Moist didn't really understand why. He had only intended the motion to communicate where he was going. It was what he would want if their roles were reversed. He didn't guess it would be a sensitive area.

He roughly licked the skin again. Havelock's breathing shuttered.

"Right there," he gasped.

Moist licked his thumb, pressed the spot, and lightly stroked his balls with his unoccupied fingers. He held it there as he lapped at his asshole. Havelock groaned loudly in the back of his throat and shifted his hips to a more accessible position. He spread his legs apart even more and propped his feet up on the opposite seat.

Moist licked the tight ring of muscles. Havelock tensed reflexively but quickly relaxed as much as he could. Moist dipped his tongue into the tiny hole. Havelock gasped and twitched. He tried to let him in but his muscles wouldn't obey. Moist used his free hand to stroke Havelock's cock. His asshole opened a bit more. Moist shoved his tongue inside as far as it could reach. Havelock shouted.

"Should I stop?"

"Hell, no!" Havelock panted.

Moist looked up at Havelock and gave him a cheeky grin.

"If you say so."

Moist licked him with increased determination. He circled his asshole with his fingers and thrust his tongue in and out. He pressed a finger inside and pulled just a tiny bit, only enough to give his tongue a miniscule space to work on. He wiggled his tongue and opened it for a second finger. He pushed them in all the way.

"Could you… mhhhh… maybe push up?" said Havelock.

Moist turned his hand and bent his fingers towards his cock. Havelock screamed in ecstasy and dug his nails into Moist's scalp. It hurt but the satisfaction of making the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork shriek was more than enough to compensate. Moist took the opportunity to insert a third finger.

"I want you to—"

Havelock didn't get a chance to finish before Moist's cock slipped inside him. He gasped and Moist moaned loudly. He pushed further causing Havelock to shudder.

"You feel amazing," Moist whispered barely able to get the words out.

Havelock panted and looked at him with eyes that told of the impossible.

"Fuck me Moist."

The bad pun passed unnoticed. Moist pulled back and thrust hard. Havelock moaned emphatically. He grasped his butt with one hand and took the back of Moist's neck in the other as he plunged into him. He kissed him wholeheartedly sucking and tugging at his tongue. Moist pounded his cock against Havelock's prostate sending jolts of intoxicating pleasure through him. His dick hardened as Havelock squeezed down.

"Faster—," Havelock commanded.

Moist quickened his thrusts happy to comply. He grasped Havelock's dick and pumped his hand up and down the shaft. His fingers slid over the tip. He drove his cock into Havelock's ass and the narrow space constricted around him.

"You're squeezing me so tight!" said Moist.

"Tightly."

"Bugger your grammar!"

Moist pulled out of Havelock and for a moment he panicked before Moist's thick cock lunged back in aggressively. Havelock shouted as he was rammed full length over and over.

"Give me more—"

Moist's lips silenced him. He plundered his mouth and pushed deep inside him. Havelock pulled apart gasping for air and moaned in satisfaction. Moist only gave him a second before he pressed on relentlessly. Havelock didn't resist. He brought his feet to the very edge of the opposite seat and pointed his toes in a desperate attempt to allow Moist to penetrate his ass even further.

Moist noticed the effort and picked up Havelock's legs. He thrust into him deeper delighting in Havelock's cries and pounding him roughly.

"Don't stop!"

"I can't stop! Your ass feels so good!"

Moist's arms were giving out. He didn't have the strength left to hold up Havelock's legs. As soon as he showed signs of lowering his arms, Havelock grabbed himself behind the knees and pulled them closer to his chest so Moist could still ram his thick cock deep into his ass.

Moist pushed Havelock's legs further forcing him to sink in the seat and raise his hips higher. Moist moved above him adding his weight to the force of his thrusts. Havelock's moans of ecstasy invigorated him and his dick grew harder. A tremor shook his cock each time he rubbed against Havelock's prostate. The slick tight texture was overwhelming.

"Oh gods, Havelock, you're amazing!"

Moist spread Havelock's legs apart further and pushed him down roughly. His ass pushed up to meet Moist's cock coming down. He moved further above him ramming his dick in with as much of his body weight as he dared. The change in position extended his reach deeper and he rammed his cock into him uncontrollably.

Moist hammered his dick into Havelock's ass and stirred him up inside. Havelock's tight walls wrapped around him in a wave of hot pleasure. Each thrust felt like paradise.

"It's so far… Squeeze me harder!" Moist shouted.

Havelock's narrow walls smothered his cock sucking and swallowing him up. Whenever he felt Havelock's ass constrict he shouted out in overpowering rapture. Moist's dick pulsed as he attacked Havelock's hot insides. He panted heavily, his body completely out of his control.

"You're so tight around me!"

"I'm going to come—" Havelock panted.

"Not yet!" Moist fought against climax. He longed to stay inside forever.

Though he had thought it impossible, Havelock's mind was entirely blank and all that existed was the electric pleasure that shot through him each time Moist's rock hard dick plunged inside him.

"I can't hold back!"

"You have… Oh gods!"

Havelock groaned loudly. Desire filled him. The maddening tension screamed for release.

"I… I love you, Havelock!"

The words tipped them both into euphoria. Havelock lost himself in the thrill. He came harder than he ever thought he could. His asshole swallowed Moist's cock tightly. It ravenously drank in his jet of cum and sucked out the very last drop. Flashes of pure bliss sparkled in his head as Moist pumped him a few more times to make absolutely sure that Havelock was satisfied.

Havelock tightened his muscles to draw out the last of his cum. He clamped his arms and legs around Moist locking them together. A smaller wave of intense pleasure shot through him and a shuddering moan escaped his lips. Despite Havelock's hold on him, Moist managed to draw back and thrust into him one last time.

"Wait, don't pull out yet. You are not going anywhere." Discerning as always, Vetinari called through the window. "Driver, take us to the palace stables. Stay close and make sure no one bothers us."

The coachman knew that there was an inescapably prominent chance that he would be dead by the end of the day.


	2. Chapter 2

Slightly less OOC but just as much mindless lemon at the expense of a great author. Please don't read this, Sir Terry Pratchett.

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More excessive smut. Maybe I should make a toned down version. Then again, no one tones down Moist von Lipwig.

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~~TP

Seats around the big conference table at one end of the room were fully occupied. He'd interrupted something. Or, rather, Vetinari had interrupted something for him.

Lord Vetinari got up as soon as Moist entered, and beckoned him forward.

"Please excuse me, ladies, gentlemen, but I do need some time with the postmaster general. Mr. Lipwig, this way if you please."

Moist thought he heard muffled laughter behind them as he was ushered into what he at first thought was a high-ceilinged corridor, but which turned out to be a sort of an art gallery. Vetinari shut the door behind them. The click seemed, to Moist, to be very loud. His anger was draining fast, to be replaced by a very chilly feeling. Vetinari was a tyrant, after all. If Moist was never seen again, his lordship's reputation would only be enhanced.

"Do put down Mr. Fusspot," said Vetinari. "It will do the little chap good to run about."

Moist lowered the dog to the ground. It was like dropping a shield.

There was a silence. Foolishly, Moist filled it.

"I never said—"

"I know exactly what you never said. You refrained from saying it very loudly." Vetinari raised an eyebrow. "I am extremely angry, Mr. Lipwig."

"But I was shot at!"

"That was just the Assassins' Guild dropping you a note to say they are watching you."

"There were two shots!"

"Possibly for emphasis?" said Vetinari, sitting down on a velvet-covered chair.

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~TP

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Lipwig sighed and collapsed onto a chaise lounge next to Vetinari's chair.

"I hate you."

"Then what did you come here for?"

"I thought maybe you would let me back out of this."

"You have to do something life-threatening until Adora comes back or else you'll hurt yourself," said Vetinari with unabashedly contrived innocence.

"Apparently getting shot at is something I'm good at, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

"Come with me," said Vetinari.

He didn't even wait for a confirmation from Moist. He just turned down a smaller corridor and opened a set of double doors into what looked like a small dining area. There was a stage on one end, and a full bar on the other. The room was blessedly empty.

"I wanted you to find something both dangerous and productive to do. Running the bank would have fit you well. You tend to thrive in risky situations."

"And you don't think that hanging around with you is dangerous enough?"

"Not as it is right now. You're not properly terrified yet."

"Yet?"

Vetinari locked the door ominously and stood behind Lipwig. He draped his arms around his shoulders.

"Is this enough fear for you?", he whispered. "I think not."

Vetinari took of Lipwig's golden jacket and tossed it aside. He started undoing the buttons on the white shirt underneath. He left the tie on.

"You're right," said Lipwig. "It's not enough. I want…" He wasn't quite sure what he wanted but he wanted it _now_.

"Yes?" said Vetinari as he pulled on the fabric to reveal Moist's shoulders and back. He kissed his neck from behind.

"I know you can do so much more to me than I can to you."

Moist was both glad and worried that he had his back to Vetinari. On one hand, he couldn't see his face. On the other hand, he couldn't see his face either. Vetinari slid his arms off of Lipwig's shoulders and stepped back. Anxious about what that might mean, Moist turned around quickly to find himself just inches from the face of a devil. Vetinari stared coldly at him with the most unamusing smile on his face. Moist forced himself not to shake. He was acutely aware of how exposed he was.

"Is that so?" said Vetinari with that horribly predatory expression.

Moist's heart raced. This was the thrill he was looking for. His eyes glistened.

"You fuck people in the ass every day."

Vetinari's expression became unreadable. He took hold of Moist's golden tie. "Not many people can say that to my face."

Lipwig's eyes widened for just a moment before he put on a cheeky grin. "I'll say it every day if you want me to."

Vetinari raised an eyebrow. "I'd rather you not, but it is an accurate description. Are you telling me that you would willingly give me complete control over your body at a time when you are the most vulnerable? My, my, that is a risk."

Lipwig's face softened. He was mad for thinking it, but the fear only brought him higher. _Why the hell am I not dead yet?_ He pushed Vetinari onto a couch and sat down on his lap straddling his legs. He placed his hands on the wall behind Vetinari's head.

"Yes," he said. That one word was filled to the brim with emphatic anticipation. Moist smiled like a little boy seeing the pile of presents at his birthday.

Vetinari grabbed the back of Moist's head and pulled him into a brief kiss. It was surprisingly gentle. He left only a tiny space between them and looked Moist in the eyes. From this distance Moist could see every detail of Vetinari's pale blue eyes focused solely on him. The man who everyday thought of nothing but the city was staring straight at him and in that moment all others disappeared. He had Lord Vetinari's complete and undivided attention. He wasn't going to waste it.

"Show me the things that only you can do. Take me. Make me feel scared."

Vetinari smirked. "I have some experience with that. How much danger can you take?"

"As much as you want to give me."

Vetinari held Moist's head in his hands and kissed him roughly. He didn't give Moist any time before forcing his tongue into his mouth. He touched every surface laying claim to all of it. He pulled on Moist's tongue as if he had complete ownership of it. In a way, it was true.

Moist unbuttoned Vetinari's trousers and brought him out. The kiss deepened with the touch. Vetinari switched to assault Moist's lower lip. His hands traveled down his neck to his chest. He rubbed his nipples with his thumbs running circles around them before pinching the center.

Moist pulled away the fastenings on Vetinari's robes and shirt exposing his light skin. He sucked on his ear and kissed the underside of his jaw. Vetinari unbuttoned Moist's trousers and pressed their cocks together. Moist breathed deeply and pushed his hips forward. He gripped them both with one hand and pumped them up and down. Vetinari grabbed his ass viciously.

"I want you naked."

Vetinari stripped off the rest of Moist's clothes and pushed him against a wall. His hard dick pressed against Moist's stomach. He pinned both of his arms above his head and used his other hand to strip his own lower half. He gave Moist a strong passionate kiss.

Moist let Vetinari dominate him. It was exhilarating to be completely controlled by a man who could kill him at any second in more ways than he could count. Moist spread his legs submissively. Vetinari pulled away.

"Why must you be so short?"

"It's genetic."

Vetinari pushed Moist onto his back. He lay on a plush bench at one of the booths. Vetinari pulled his legs apart.

"You'll have to excuse me. I don't want to use my tongue unless I have to."

He took a small jar out of his robe pocket and dipped his fingers in. Moist knew what it was and smirked.

"You're too kind."

"Let's fix that shall we."

He pushed the lubricant into Moist's waiting asshole.

"Be prepared. This may hurt."

"Take me. Make me feel scared. Fuck me rough."

"Roughly."

"Just do it."

Vetinari pressed his cock inside Moist, but only got half way before he clamped down so hard he couldn't continue. Vetinari kissed him and grabbed Moist's dick. He pumped it with his hand and slid a finger over the tip until Moist opened up enough for him to bury himself completely. His cock sank inside and drowned in the tightness. He started rocking his hips, but Moist couldn't stand the slow pace.

"Don't tease me."

Vetinari took the cue and slammed his hot cock into Moist's ass then pulled back on his slick walls. He stroked Moist's twitching dick up and down with his hand and heard his breath quicken.

"More!" Moist begged.

Vetinari hammered Moist's ass fiercely churning him up inside. He moved to different angles mixing things up and searching for the spot that made Moist shout in pleasure. He pulled back and assailed that weak point again and again.

"Gods, right there!"

Moist surrendered to Vetinari's passionate assault. He could feel him raiding his insides taking what he wanted and leaving only the desire for more. Vetinari thrust his cock into his narrow ass as far as he could reach. He yanked out then ruthlessly stabbed back into him without warning. Moist's muscles clutched his dick each time he pulled back.

The feeling of terror when in the control of a powerful man gave Moist a rush. He pushed his hips up so Vetinari could fuck him harder.

"No, it's not enough! You can terrify me more than this!"

Vetinari smiled wickedly. The fear made Moist want more. Vetinari grabbed Moist and bent him face down on the edge of the stage. He jammed into Moist's asshole all at once. Moist gripped down on Vetinari's throbbing cock sending pure pleasure to him. He dug in deeper and let Moist wring him out when he pulled back. The intense pleasure finally made Vetinari lose control.

Moist gasped as Vetinari bore down on him. He gouged through the muscles that threatened to strangle him and violently hit Moist deep inside. When he judged the time was right, Vetinari snatched up Moist's golden tie and pulled it tight.

"I learned this from Mr. Trooper. I believe you two are well acquainted."

He yanked on the tie so Moist couldn't breathe well. Then he shoved his hips up into Moist's ass and continued to pump him.

Moist's head sparkled with the combined forces of passion, fear, and adrenaline. He remembered a moment of intense pleasure when Albert Spangler was hanged. He felt himself approaching that point. Moist's raging cock twitched in anticipation. Precum soaked him from his tip to his balls.

"Come for me, Moist," Vetinari whispered into Lipwig's ear.

Vetinari reached around and grasped his dick. Moist screamed in ecstasy as his cum shot out. He tightened around Vetinari making him come deep inside his ass.

Vetinari pulled Moist upright and gave him a passionate kiss.

"Erotic asphyxiation is safer when the other person knows what he's doing. Mr. Trooper can do more with a rope than I can, but I'm not too shabby. Maybe I'll show you sometime."

Moist's ass hurt but his fluttering heart pumped intoxicating adrenaline through his whole body. Vetinari collapsed onto a couch and dragged Moist on top of him. With their chests touching, Moist could feel Vetinari's heart racing just as quickly as his own. He knew that soon his wax wings would melt, but in that moment, Moist drowned in those grey-blue eyes and the heady sensation of flight. The fear had been masterfully condensed to a razor edge that only Vetinari could wield.

All too quickly, Vetinari's eyes stopped concentrating on him and Moist knew that the game was over.


	3. Chapter 3

OOC slash lemon shibari

If Vetinari in character had any sex, it would probably involve no sex at all. Mostly horseradish and such, but hey, there's still smut in this one. The last one will have no smut though.

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TP Paraphrased-

Vetinari led the way out onto the balcony and stood with his back to the cloudy city.

"Still a lot of cloud about, but I think the sun should break through at any time, don't you think?" he said.

Vetinari brought out a small box that contained his signet ring. He handed the black ring to Moist. Vetinari watched him carefully.

"My ring is made of stygium. It is only of interest to those who find a life without danger hardly worth living. In direct sunshine it heats within a few seconds to an extreme temperature. It's all about risk, Mr. Lipwig. It's about living with Death in your pocket."

Vetinari leaned forward as if inviting Moist to join a conspiracy and added, "You really do look quite pale." It was like having acid dropped slowly into your ear. "Recently, a man who owned raw stygium was murdered. Who do you think did it?"

_This is just some game he's made up to scare me. He wants me to look up for some reason._

"How should I know who killed the man?"

"Ah, but you always have some insight into the criminal mind. Your opinion is valuable to me."

_He's not looking at the sky, either…_

"An argument over something?" said Moist.

Faint shadows started to appear on the wall. The sun could come out at any second. Sweat trickled down Moist's spine.

"I think you may be getting warm, Mr. Lipwig. I will take my ring back thank you," said Vetinari.

_Hah! So it was just a show to scare me, after all!_

He dropped the ring into the box. Just before it landed it flashed with searing heat.

Vetinari looked into Moist's eyes. "You have been most helpful, but I must tell you, Mr. Lipwig, that killing you right now would solve an incredibly large number of problems."

-TP paraphrased end

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"That's an empty threat. I know you love me."

"But how much, Mr. Lipwig, and for how long? Does the love of a tyrant really count?"

"It does to me."

"Be that as it may, you are becoming a threat to my city. You've upset quite a few influential people."

"You can trust me."

"Yes, I know, but can you trust me?"

Lipwig thought for a moment. There seemed to be no real choice though. Vetinari stepped inside and tucked the box into a drawer in his desk. He turned around to face Lipwig as he closed the door to the balcony. Vetinari stared at him and waited.

"I can trust you for one thing," said Lipwig. "I know that if you wanted me dead, then I would die. There is no escaping that, but I think you like to watch me struggle. You want to see what I'll do next. You like to see me fight back. You won't kill me while I'm still amusing to you, but what if I stop fighting? Would your love give me enough value for you to let me live as a boring liability?"

"That's not the kind of question I usually give answers to."

"That's because you're looking at it from the wrong way. Things like this can't be thought through logically with simulations in your head. You have to live it and find out. Show me what you'd do if I stopped fighting back."

"Are you that starved for danger that you would willingly submit to my every whim just to prove a point?"

"That's not what I mean. You're the Patrician. If you order me, I have to say yes. That's nothing new, but what if I could not say anything? How far will you push me when I can't react? I want to know if your love be able to stop you before you kill me."

"Your offer is tempting, but the challenge goes both ways. When will your trust in me end? How close to death can I bring you before you break your own rules? If my love cannot stop me, will you be foolish enough to let me break your soul?"

"I don't know, but I want to find out."

"This is an unnecessarily hazardous risk."

"But I can see it in your eyes. You want to know too. This excites you just as much as it does for me."

Vetinari smiled slowly and deliberately. He led Lipwig into his bedroom. It was surprisingly simple. Moist had expected something grander. Vetinari was the Patrician after all. Why would he use this room when he had the option of sleeping anywhere in the palace? The place felt like Vetinari in a way that has no empirical evidence. It was definitely his personal bedroom and not just a random room to discreetly have sex in.

"You have ten minutes." Vetinari whispered in his ear and left Moist alone in the room.

_What does he expect me to do? It won't take a whole ten minutes to get undressed. _He started taking off the suit when it came to him that Vetinari always kept things clean. _He wants me to take a shower then. That makes sense. I might as well take a leak while I'm in there._

Another realization bubbled to the surface. _He wanted me to pee before we started because he didn't want me to interrupt things. That clever devil, he probably expects me to take a crap too so I won't be backed up when he fucks me. Gods damn it. He gave me a whole list of instructions with just one sentence._

Moist was debating putting on a bathrobe when he heard Vetinari return to the bedroom. He decided to just go with the towel.

"What's in the box?" he asked.

Vetinari looked him up and down approvingly. He didn't answer. He picked up Moist's discarded gold tie and put it back around his neck.

"I prefer this sort of tie on you," said Vetinari. "Your bowtie is tacky."

"The whole suit is tacky."

"True, you do look so much better without it," Havelock wrapped his arms around Moist's waist and made the towel fall. "I wonder what I should do first. How much terror do you want to feel?"

Moist didn't answer. Havelock kissed him and pushed him onto the bed. He positioned Moist with his hands above his head. He smiled at his passive face.

"I can make this quite painful. Perhaps I should start slowly. I don't want to end this too quickly."

Vetinari pulled a piece of silk out of the chest and tied Moist's wrists together above his head. This elicited no reaction. Vetinari would have been very disappointed if it did. He licked at Moist's neck and sucked above the spot where his collarbones met. He ran his hands down Moist's chest and stomach to his hips. He followed the creases of his crotch and caressed Moist's inner thighs, pushing his legs apart. There was a physical reaction but he stayed silent.

Vetinari couldn't stop grinning. He took out a length of white rope from the chest and felt Moist's muscles tense for barely a second, the first hint of fear. He placed the loosely coiled rope on his stomach so it hugged both his sides. Havelock bent Moist's knee so his calf touched his thigh. He pulled at the end of the rope and led it down between Moist's legs slowly letting it uncoil off his stomach. Goosebumps appeared on Moist's skin but nothing showed on his face.

Havelock started to wind the rope around Moist's leg binding it in the bent position. He weaved deceivingly delicate knots and oddly beautiful patterns until he was sufficiently immobilized. Moist's body tensed. He turned his head so he couldn't see what was happening.

_He's not going to allow me to break the rules. I've put my life in the hands of a trained assassin. He could kill me at any time. I'm used to that, but this feels different._

Havelock tied up Moist's other leg. He slowly relaxed. It was the same experience only mirrored. Moist could handle that. Havelock moved his legs into a butterfly position so his cock and asshole were fully exposed.

Havelock looked into Moist's eyes and smiled wickedly. Moist shut his eyes and started to shiver as the fear set in. He had never been restrained this much. Shackles and cuffs were fine but this feeling of intense vulnerability was completely new. Havelock pulled yet another rope from the box and laid it on Moist's chest.

"I learned this from Mr. Trooper. You met a few times, remember? I suppose once your secret gets out, your signed noose with be worth quite a lot of money. I wonder if he has sold it already. Do you think it would make a nice conversation piece for the waiting room?"

Moist cringed as he watched Havelock double up the white rope. He took a sharp breath when he felt the rope being tied around his neck like a price tag. He forced himself not to move. Havelock pulled the rope until it fit snugly and layered his gold tie on top of the knot.

"The gold does look lovely against your pale face."

He placed his palm over Moist's heart and felt it racing. The sight of him bound in such a submissive way made Havelock hard as tempered steel, but he held back. He couldn't let himself get caught in the moment. This was much too good an opportunity for him to waste it on just sex. He had to level things out or he'd lose his chance to do what until now had been just a fantasy.

Havelock put his hand under Moist's back for support. He grasped his tie and pulled him into a sitting position. He kissed Moist's eyes making the held back tears drip out.

Havelock let out a disappointed sigh.

"I was just going to let it slide but I can no longer let you violate the rules like this. You said I could find where your trust in me ends, but you haven't trusted me from the very beginning. Even though you have said nothing, your guard has been up. You specifically told me you would be passive."

"I am being passive. I wouldn't have let you tie me up like this if I wasn't being passive."

"You were being subservient. This was supposed to be about trust not endurance."

"How can I trust you when you're tying me up like a roast turkey?"

Vetinari pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. How could Moist not understand when this was his idea to begin with?

"Tell me, where does it hurt?" said Havelock.

Lipwig paused for a second before saying, "My wrists, you tied them so my bones rub together. I couldn't loosen them because you used a knot that I've never seen before."

Havelock removed the cloth but held Moist's hands just in case he wanted to take a swing at him.

"What else?"

"Um…"

"Yes?"

"Nothing else really hurts all that much. It's a little tight on my left leg but that's it."

"This is something I have not done in a long time. I must have gotten rusty." Havelock said. He was a little disappointed with himself.

"You were going so slowly that I was able to adjust the ropes as you tied them."

"I noticed you doing that. Perhaps I could have gone faster. You have been tied up many times before."

"Not like this! I'm completely exposed!"

"You held me down in a similar way. It's not the position that scares you. For some reason you fear me even though you have been completely vulnerable to me before."

"This is different!"

"No it is not. The premise is the same. The only thing that differs is that you expect me to kill you. You assumed that I would take this chance even when you know that I can kill you anytime I wish. Why would I bother doing it now?"

"Because I'm a threat to the city."

Havelock lowered Moist back onto the bed and hovered over him.

"I chose you over the city when you got into my coach that day. Killing you is a very real option, but it isn't one I am going to take lightly. You've died before. What makes you think I won't save you again?"

Moist didn't answer. This whole idea was stupid from the start and he still didn't know what he was doing. Havelock kissed him reassuringly.

"We could just end this silly game," he said.

"But you didn't get to finish."

"Are you serious? A few minutes ago you were shaking like a leaf and now you want me to continue? Is fear that appetizing to you?"

"I want to see what you had in mind. If you truly don't plan on hurting me then I'm really in no danger."

Havelock's eyes lit up. He kissed Moist passionately. Moist allowed him inside and let him take over his mouth.

"How should I have been acting?" asked Moist. "I'm not sure what you're looking for."

"I want you to trust me. Let me mold you to my liking. Give me complete control over you. I manipulate people every day, but here and now I will ask your permission. Will you agree to be entirely dependent on me this one time?"

"This sounds suspiciously familiar."

"The difference is that you will let me dominate you."

"… All right, but be careful," said Moist. He wrapped his arms around Havelock.

"I am always careful."

Havelock started to wrap the rope around Moist's body. It ran through his crotch and on either side of his dick.

"Shall I force you to say yes instead? No, that was not your intention. I would be cheating if I didn't follow the letter of the law. I cannot be kind until I reach that point where love interferes. Do you think I can see my wish before then or will I lose myself and push past my limit? Perhaps I will succumb to desire and just fuck your brains out."

Moist smiled faintly as Havelock finished tying his torso. It seemed strange to Moist that he would bother winding a rope around his body when he hadn't actually tied anything down. He had to admit that the diamond pattern was kind of pretty in a way.

Havelock retrieved yet another white rope from the chest.

"How many of those things do you have?" said Moist.

"Enough."

Havelock fastened Moist's arms across his chest.

"Did you have to tie my arms like I'm a corpse?"

Havelock covered Moist's eyes with a soft blindfold.

"You said I could do what I like. Now relax. You're supposed to be trusting me."

Moist let his body go limp and let Havelock take control of his every movement. He slipped into a state where he could let his mind go completely blank. The fear drifted away with all the worries and burdens of his life. For these precious moments nothing could reach him. He surrendered all his power and responsibilities to Havelock. Even though he was bound, the feeling was freeing.

He was aware of Havelock's movements and felt a sense of loss when he wasn't touching him. He could hear the sounds of something being rearranged and the fear hit him again. Moist choked and felt Havelock's arms quickly surround him. He touched different parts of his body before picking him up off the bed.

Slowly, Moist became weightless. The ropes were tighter but the feeling of freedom overwhelmed it.

Havelock removed the blindfold. Moist opened his eyes to see that he was suspended in the air. Each rope was perfectly aligned so that his weight was evenly distributed. He was floating on his back with his legs held open by the ropes.

Havelock stood between them and whispered in his ear. "You look stunning. Thank you for giving me this gift. I will cherish it."

Havelock couldn't wait another second. He rammed his cock into Moist's waiting ass. The ropes swung Moist like a hammock as the force turned to motion. Gravity pulled his body back down and he impaled himself on Havelock's hard dick. The weightlessness combined with Havelock's thrusting to create a truly dazzling sensation. He felt like he could come at any moment but Havelock's fingers strangled the base of his cock denying his release.

Havelock timed the rocking of his hips to take full advantage of the suspension. Each swing allowed Havelock to drive straight through to the very limit. He pounded Moist's ass over and over. Havelock manipulated Moist's unresisting body however he wanted. The feeling was electrifying. His cock passed violently over Moist's prostate sending shocks of intense pleasure through his whole body. He wanted to come so badly but Havelock wouldn't let him. It was torture and brilliance at the same time. Moist wanted it to go on forever.

Havelock couldn't control himself. He quickened his pace and roughly pumped Moist's tight ass. Moist could feel Havelock's throbbing dick inside him. He gasped each time Gravity pulled him down hard and Havelock hit him deep inside. He moaned loudly when weightlessness followed at the top of the swing. Moist clamped down onto Havelock's charging cock as it ploughed through his ass again and again. His tight muscles sucked greedily on Havelock's hot dick and pulled it all the way inside.

"Please let me come! I can't take it anymore!"

Havelock released his hold on him and a rush of dizzying rapture tore through Moist's body.

Moist hugged Havelock. He was scared yet calm somehow.

"My arms—let me go. I want to hold you," Moist said anxiously.

Havelock pulled a few ropes and lowered him to the floor. As he touched the ground, the spell shattered and the fear returned with vengeance. Havelock picked him up and placed him on the bed. His touch made Moist's suffocating fear drip off of him like water.

"My arms—"

Havelock started to untie the knots but stopped. He snatched a knife from the bedside drawer and quickly cut the ropes. Moist cringed at the pain. He grabbed Havelock and pulled him on top of him. The kiss that followed was brutal.

"That was amazing! I was flying! I was… terrified."

Moist choked and squeezed Havelock. Tears of pain, fear, and loss flowed together with tears of love, joy, and excitement. So many conflicting emotions at once were overwhelming.

Havelock reached down with the knife and cut the ropes that bound one of Moist's legs. Moist flinched. It was like taking off a tight shoe at the end of the day. It hurt but it felt relieving. Havelock sliced through a rope on the other leg. The fear was mounting and Moist tried to struggle out of the ties by himself.

"Hold still. I can get them off quickly but I don't want to cut you."

"Don't do this to me ever again," he cried. "It's too much."

"So I found the limit to your thirst for danger."

"Just don't do it again!"

Havelock kissed Moist tenderly and pressed their bodies together.

"You've made this perfect. Anything else would pale in comparison."

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I'm not sure what I'll think if I get comments… Does anyone ever comment on smut anyway?


	4. Chapter 4

TP Paraphrased-

_Good job, Moist. This is the part where he kills you. No one gets to live after doing something like that. People say he doesn't have any vices but I know he does. Now that I've cleaned up my mess, he's going to silence me._

"I believe you think our relationship is a game," said Vetinari, "So let me give you this. I have been told Cosmo made it to replicate my cane. He has placed a blade inside. A copy of something that does not exist. One can only assume that it is authentic in every respect."

Vetinari stepped out into a disused part of the palace gardens. He turned back to Moist and drew the sword. There would be no witnesses. Moist knew what was going to happen and was thoroughly surprised when it didn't.

Vetinari handed him the sword. Moist stared at it.

_Does he expect me to fight him or something? Give the old chap a sporting chance? Am I supposed to kill myself with it? What kind of assassin gives his target a goodbye present first?_

"Sorry, why am I holding this sword?" asked Moist.

I was just interested to see that you were more fearful when you were holding it," said Vetinari, taking it from him. "You really are not a violent man, are you?"

"That wasn't necessary!"

Vetinari sheathed the sword.

"My predecessors did many worse things. They were certainly bloodier at least. Forgive me if my pleasures are a little more cerebral, will you?"

-TP Paraphrased

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Vetinari walked past him and disappeared around corner. Moist slumped down on the rim of an empty fountain. It looked like it hadn't been used in a long time.

_What the hell am I doing? How am I still alive? This isn't how things are supposed to work! I could ruin him. I'm right in his way! Is he playing with me or is he seriously not going to attack me unless I tell someone?_

_I'm forced to bet on the good graces of a man who thinks war is a wicked waste of customers. A man who's a better con artist than I'll ever be, who thinks committees are a kind of wastepaper basket, who can turn sizzle into sausage, every day…_

"Gods, I love that man."

"Still?" said Vetinari raising an eyebrow.

"How long have you been there?"

"I never left."

"But you did. I saw you."

Vetinari stood staring at Moist in a way that seemed even more unnerving than usual.

"Why am I still here?" asked Moist. "Why haven't you killed me yet?"

"You didn't tell."

"I—of course I didn't tell! You'd kill me if I tried anything!"

"Mr. Lipwig, I could have you disposed of at any time no matter what you do. If you are alive it is only because I haven't decided otherwise."

"But things aren't supposed to be like that! Why me?"

"If I wished to, I could have anyone killed, not just you."

"That makes me feel special. You could be tormenting other people but no it has to be me. "

"I torment everyone. Tyrants do that sort of thing."

"Then stop being a tyrant!"

Vetinari's face hardened. He slowly advanced on Lipwig. The tip of the forged cane dug into the grass with each step. Moist backed away instinctively and toppled into the disused fountain. There was a resonant crack that split through the air and Moist lay still.

Vetinari let the remains of the cane clatter to the floor of the fountain and carried Moist's limp body into the palace. No one stopped him.

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Moist blearily opened his eyes and groaned. He hurt, but at least the bed was nice and soft.

"You should remain still for now, Mr. Lipwig," said Vetinari. "You had a nasty fall. You even broke my genuine replica cane. At least it was useful for something."

"You hit me!"

"No, you ran into my stick on your way to a certainly fatal meeting with the concrete. The back of your scull is happy to be intact and sends its well wishes for your recovery," said Vetinari sitting down on a chair next to his bed.

"You bastard, why do you keep doing things like this?" Moist covered his eyes with his arm.

"I thought I was doing you a favor. Should I have let you die? I simply cannot see the appeal."

"Why can't I get away from you?"

"You of all people should know that you can't run away from me."

"I mean why does it always have to be you?"

"Yes, I see your point. There has to be a reasonable explanation for why I keep showing up in your life. It's almost like someone wants me to be with you. I wonder who it is."

"You're doing this on purpose."

"How did you guess?"

"Why?!"

"Because you do jaw-droppingly amazing things every day and I want a piece of that." Vetinari leaned over Lipwig and watched his expression change.

"Seriously?" said Moist incredulously, "How does anything I do compare to running the largest city on the Circle Sea? There is nothing I can do that you haven't done a million times backwards and in heels. You are in one day everything that I've ever wanted to be in my whole life. If I were to stab you in the heart with a stake right now, I would find fifty other stakes already there and they would all be bigger than mine!"

"Whereas if I stabbed you the stake would merely pass through," said Vetinari.

"What does—"

"You have taken on duties that would have nigh killed me yet you emerge without a scratch and with a new hat to boot."

"I haven't done-"

"I throw things at you left and right and nothing seems to hurt you at all. I have been driving stakes into water."

"Why can't you just-"

"I want you."

Lipwig felt Vetinari's hand on his cheek and bolted upright. He managed to push Vetinari away before vertigo claimed him and he passed out. He collapsed onto the edge of the bed. Momentum and gravity took him over the side and he landed unconscious in a heap on the floor with one leg still tangled in the sheets.

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Moist awoke to the sight of Vetinari watching him from the end of the bed. He was sketching him.

"You know that is the most exquisite pose. I have never seen anything quite like it, on a living person that is," he said.

Moist scrambled to his feet stumbling on the fallen sheet.

"You moved," grumbled Vetinari with exaggerated dismay. "No matter, the drawing was mediocre anyway."

"You could have done something!" said Lipwig.

"If I had touched you then you would have been angry at that too."

Moist felt the frustration building. Hot indignant fury ran through him.

"If I could just—"

"Just what, Mr. Lipwig?"

Moist didn't answer. He stared at Vetinari. Most people didn't look the Patrician in the eye for any extended period of time. In any other situation, Moist would have been one of them, but today he knew exactly where he stood. He turned and headed for the door.

Lord Vetinari would normally have let him leave like so many before him. Perhaps in a sounder mind he would have contemplated about the appropriate time to kill him. The purely sane voice of the tyrant told him to not bother and to get on with running the city. This time Havelock chose to be human.

"Please," he said, "I sincerely want to know what you would do."

Moist paused with his hand on the door. He didn't turn around.

"I would leave. I should have a long time ago. You can't give me what I want… and neither can she."

"Ah, I see, I do not excite you anymore. Adora is just as dangerous as I am. Perhaps a combined effort is needed?"

Moist turned around suddenly and pushed Vetinari backwards onto the bed with one hand. The other he clenched into a fist and held aloft. He didn't move. He couldn't. Moist lowered his fist and punched the mattress instead.

"You wouldn't let me do what I really want! That's the problem with this distorted relationship. It won't happen. Tyrants only act a certain way and there's nothing I can do to change that."

"What if I did?"

"Don't say that! This is what I mean, the lies all of it! I know exactly what I want to do to you but I can't ask you to do it for me. Even if I did you would just do whatever you damn well pleased anyway."

"No, I mean it. What do I need to do to keep you?" Havelock's expression was dead serious.

The anger disappeared from Moist's face. He sighed and gently brushed his lips over Havelock's eyelids. That small movement left a shimmering trail of energy that lingered long after the touch had ended. It was a frail and ephemeral feeling of absolute certainty. Havelock looked away.

"Do you see now?" said Moist. "Do you understand what it is that you won't let me give? She won't either. She pushes me away every time. She tells me I'm being quixotic and things don't work that way in real life. Ever since I stopped pretending to be Albert Spangler, I've wanted this so much, and it hurts because I can't have it from either of you."

Vetinari's face remained purposefully blank, but his eyes betrayed a miniscule hint of fear.

"I may not be able to reciprocate, but I will let you. If that is what you need from me."

"No, it won't work like that! You can't fake it with that blank face of yours. You have to actually receive it, all of it." Moist turned Havelock's head so he could look into his eyes.

"I cannot…" Vetinari said. The unease was growing in his voice. "If I were to do that, I would never be able to go back. I would steal you. The lie will shatter. I will not do that to either of us."

"You never had any intention of keeping me did you?" said Moist harshly. "You would have to give up too much of your life for me. You wanted to play with me and that's it, but this stopped being just about the sex the moment you chose not to rape me in that carriage. I want to love you, but I can't if you won't let me."

Havelock closed his eyes to hide his emotions behind his eyelids. "But, would you actually have me? I'm old enough to be your father."

"Are you?"

"No."

"Then that's good enough."

"No, it's not," said Havelock softly.

Moist let out a chuckle which soon turned into a laugh. He sat down on Vetinari's couch and smiled at him incredulously.

"Are you serious?" said Moist. "How could you possibly not be good enough? Do you not realize how insanely stunning you are? If I had half your skill I'd never have to take crap from anyone ever again. I can't even imagine what goes on in your head. You've been Patrician for how many years and you haven't gone crazy yet? No one can do that."

Havelock stayed silent.

"Come here," Lipwig sighed. "Perhaps you could do something completely selfish and reckless for once? Allow yourself to love me and let me love you back, even if it is only one time."

Havelock stood up and blinked slowly. He took a deep breath and sat down on Moist's lap facing him.

"It will be painful for me," he said candidly.

"I'll hurt too, but I know that this is what I want. When you told me to trust you, I felt free somehow. It was like stepping into a warm house on a cold day. My whole body melted. I want to feel like that every day. I want to watch you sleep peacefully knowing that I will keep you safe. I want to know what your face looks like when you have nothing to worry about. I know that you're bound to still keep things from me and try to manipulate me but I'd like to be able to safely assume you won't hurt me while you're doing it. I want to confidently face one of your little schemes knowing that you thought it up for a reason that I would agree to. I want to trust you."

"That is a long list of demands," said Vetinari.

"They aren't demands. They are requests, wishes, and promises."

"Then you are asking me to sleep peacefully? That's not exactly a choice on my part."

"It can be a choice. When you make love to me, you expose yourself completely, but that's based mainly on how your cock reacts to my naked body. That is not a real choice. I want you to deliberately show weakness when we are not having sex. It's an act that goes against human instinct, but you have the ability to choose to be weak around me. Please Havelock, will you sleep next to me knowing I'm there? Are you even capable of relaxing in the presence of another person?"

Havelock closed his eyes and put his head down on Lipwig's shoulder. Every muscle in his body was taught. When he finally spoke, the words came out in a horse whisper.

"I will…"

Moist held Havelock close to his body. Those frightened words filled his lungs with needles. He wanted it to stop yet the idea of losing the feeling scared him more.

"Will you wear pajamas? I don't think I can ignore the physical if you're naked."

"Even a parka wouldn't stop me from remembering what's underneath, but I see your point."

.

.

Havelock slowly slid himself under the covers next to Moist. Mind over matter was second nature to him but he was completely unprepared for this kind of situation. Yes, he could easily get through using rational thought and doing things that Moist expected him to do, but that didn't seem right. This wasn't a game or a challenge. There were no illusions to maintain and no lies to work around. As he settled into bed, Havelock consciously made the choice to be weak. He turned to look at Moist and his conviction shattered. This self-imposed frailty thing was harder than it looked. Havelock tried again. He failed.

"This doesn't seem to be working," he said. "Is there some trick to being fragile? You did it before. Am I missing something?"

"For you, it could be anything. It could be that you doubt my ability to protect you. You might be afraid because you don't trust yourself to not hurt me. Maybe you're worried that it will hurt to trust me or that you will do something wrong. I know that while you're working, you can't let people know if you make a mistake because that's something Lord Vetinari just does not do. When you are weak, you're not supposed to cover up problems."

"So you want me to let you know about my mistakes even though I am perfectly capable of dealing with them myself?"

"I guess that's close enough. Come here. Let me hold you," said Moist reaching out to him.

Havelock stayed perfectly still. None of this seemed to make any sense.

"What is it you want me to do?"

"You relax and do nothing. You stop thinking about things and only focus on the here and now."

Havelock scooted into Moist's arms and tried to slow his thoughts down. That alone was a monumental task. He purposefully relaxed every muscle in his body one by one. He tried to only think about keeping his muscles lax but other thoughts kept on trying to invade his mind. It was an oddly twisted mental exercise and took a lot more effort than he expected to push them away.

Then Moist moved a fraction of an inch and Havelock's unsteady structure collapsed. He lay paralyzed. His body trembled, which was a novel experience. Memories, thoughts, and emotions flooded his mind. The pressure increased until he stopped breathing altogether.

"I didn't think you would react like this," said Moist.

"Do people do this often?" asked Havelock suddenly remembering he had lungs. "I can't imagine anyone voluntarily being weak! It hurts like hell!"

"Not everyone can do it. There are people who can't bear the pain and fear. You, however, are not one of them."

"You're not a prophet! How do you know what I'll do?"

"That's easy. You can do it because I'm here. It's much harder to choose to be weak when you're by yourself. I mean, you surely have the ability to do it without me. It just takes longer, but it would be silly to not use me. I'm a good match for you. We're kind of similar and I'm stronger than I look."

"That's just great. You're saying what I do doesn't matter?"

"No, I'm saying that it's more productive to have me here, saves time."

"But if I'm using you, then what are you supposed to do? You can't just sit there and do nothing. A man like you can get bored in a hurricane."

Moist grinned and moved to a more comfortable position where his arm was less likely to go numb.

"I don't think I could ever get tired of lying next to you. In this state, you're even more unpredictable than normal. Subtle suspense is exciting too but you don't have to worry about me getting bored anyway. I could just go to sleep if that happens."

"And you'll stay here then?"

"Where else am I going to go? I have to sleep somewhere and I quite like this bed. There's something about it that makes me not want to leave. I wonder what it is."

Havelock glared at him. Moist smiled sweetly. He pulled Havelock closer to him and gave him a gentle kiss.

"I'll be right here. You just have to focus on being weak. It takes a bit of practice."

"You don't have to be so condescending about it."

Vetinari tried again. He failed.

"I'm the bloody Patrician! Why is this so damn difficult?"

"It's because you're not supposed to be the Patrician right now."

"I can't just resign for a night and then reinstate myself in the morning."

"You could if you don't tell anyone you're doing it. They'll keep on thinking you're Patrician until you declare otherwise. You dying would work too, but I don't suggest that."

Havelock stayed quiet for a while. His breaths came slowly but Moist could feel his heart beating rapidly.

"It's still not working," said Havelock.

"When I did it, I had help."

"Who?"

"An angel."

Havelock smiled faintly and rolled on to his stomach.

"Tell me then, what did I do?"

"You killed Albert Spangler. I couldn't be him anymore. I was only Moist von Lipwig and to me it looked like I would have to be him for a long time. I felt cold and naked. I didn't know who I was supposed to be, so I decided to become whatever the hell I wanted. I built Moist von Lipwig out of all the things that made me happy and all the things I thought I couldn't have. I may have chosen a lie but I'm human. I've been lying to myself since childhood. I might as well pick ones that make me happy."

"Adora was right. You are quixotic. How have you managed to survive in a place like this with such delusional ideals?"

"I just don't tell anyone. I've been slowly worming my way to where I want to be. I'm still using my skills as a con man and I'm still a dishonest crook but my goal has changed. Money isn't good enough anymore."

"Fascinating, you have more than one persona at the same time. A weak ignorant fool protected by a marginally stronger ignorant fool who in turn hides behind a terminally flamboyant ignorant fool."

"Um… yes." It was an all too accurate description. "All right, then who stands behind the quasi-benevolent tyrant? Or, perhaps they're beside him or in his pocket. Maybe he's down the street and around the corner just minding his own business until you come knocking at his door demanding answers."

"You've taken your metaphor too far, but I understand what you're saying. You're under the illusion that I have a kind heart behind my hard exterior and you're going to be the one to bring it out of me."

"Good gods no. If that were the case then I wouldn't even bother. I'm not a complete moron. I said that just lying beside you is exciting tonight. I meant that if you do choose to be weak, then there's a good chance I'll die. I'm opening Pandora's Box here. This could be more dangerous than anything else we've done together and I'm loving every minute of it!"

Moist flashed a dazzling smile. Giddy anticipation filled his eyes. He kissed Havelock's cheek with the same light tingling intensity as before. Havelock buried his nose in the pillow. Moist shifted closer so that his body covered Havelock's side. He placed his lips ever so lightly on Havelock's ear.

"I love you," he whispered.

Havelock froze until he ran out of air. He turned towards Moist so he could breathe but tucked his head down so he couldn't see his face. Havelock's shoulders trembled for only a second. He held tightly onto the fabric of Moist's pajamas.

Moist's muscles tensed. His mind filled up with intoxicating terror. There were a million potential resolutions to his actions and all of them were so vastly different. The roulette wheel had been spun. Where would the ball land? Moist could almost hear it clicking as the seconds rolled by. Havelock screamed and the ball slid into place.

Havelock gasped for breath. With surprising strength, he rolled onto his back and pulled Moist on top of him. He locked his arms around Moist's chest so tightly that the hug threatened to break bones. Havelock screamed again but the sound was muffled by Moist's shoulder. His whole body shuddered as he drew breath. He wrapped his legs around Moist binding him in place. Havelock's painful shouts echoed in Moist's chest.

"You're hurting me," said Moist but he wasn't listening.

He tried to move but that only made Havelock clamp down harder. A different type of fear bubbled inside Moist. His mind raced to find something, anything, to ease Havelock's pain.

"Um, uh… William de Word is here to take your statement on your absence at the embassy," said Moist in a grey monotone. "The foreign dignitaries are most displeased and have sent an envoy who has been kept waiting for…" The screams stopped and Moist felt Havelock's grip on him loosen. "Um, also, Commander Vimes is here requesting information about the murder of a diplomat—"

"That lie is too obvious even for your standards," said Vetinari. "Vimes never 'requests' anything."

Moist breathed a sigh of relief and looked into the eyes of the Patrician.

"You're back. I probably shouldn't have let you scream for so long, but I wasn't sure when you wanted me to bring you out of it." Moist watched Havelock's face flicker between strength and weakness. "Um, are you going to let me go now?"

"No," said Vetinari firmly. It was strange how he made the word sound like a plea, a truth, and an order at the same time.

Moist smiled faintly. "Will you let me move my arms out of the way?"

Havelock let go of the embrace just long enough for Moist to remove his arms from his sides and get comfortable. Then he returned to clutching Moist to his chest. Moist put his elbows on either side of Havelock's head and propped himself up a bit. He could see the thinly veiled uncertainty in Havelock's eyes.

"Kiss me like you did before," said Havelock.

"Are you sure?"

"No."

Havelock's heart seemed to stop in the sudden eternity it took for Moist to lower his head. Their lips touched and in an instant the whole world vanished. Time and fear were blown away in a swift gust of velvet wind. Havelock could feel Moist's love washing over him. The water flowed through the cracks in the fortress Havelock had long ago constructed around his heart. It slowly but inexorably rose above the ramparts and fell into the courtyard flushing out the remnants of battles fought there.

Havelock felt the sudden rush. He parted his lips in search of more. He opened the windows that he had kept barred for so long. He let Moist's love gush through and flood the chambers inside. The water cleaned his heart of all the hate, pain, doubt, and regret stored inside.

Havelock sucked greedily at Moist's tongue in hopes that the feeling would never end. He found himself wishing he could drown in that love forever. He longed to leave his body behind and let Moist hold his soul in his hands. Havelock flung open the locked doors in his heart. The water flowed into the dark dusty corridors and into rooms carefully forgotten.

Suddenly, the flood disappeared. The water receded.

"—stopping traffic on the bridge and the guilds are in an uproar. Also, the Black Ribboners are petitioning for increased representation in the watch."

Lord Vetinari stopped screaming. Moist looked down at him worried.

"There's a lot going on in the city, sir. Maybe it would be best for you to return to work," he said.

"You're not going to convince me that any of that is actually happening." Vetinari noticed the blood on Moist's lip and the taste of metal on his own. "I bit you."

"I'm going to have to make it look like I was in a fight. With all the things I've done, it was bound to happen anyway."

"I'm sorry."

"You had better be. That really hurt."

Moist blotted his lip with the sleeve of his nightshirt.

"Can't you just fuck me and get this over with?" asked Havelock.

"No," said Moist in a tone that expressed an undeniable truth. "You are going to sleep here next to me out of choice."

"It's not much of a choice if you're ordering me to do it."

"I never thought I would have to remind you that you're a tyrant. You have the innate power to override me."

"Ah, yes, I had almost forgotten I could kill you." Vetinari grinned maliciously. "That would solve a lot of problems but most would have an undesirable outcome, one of them being the fact that you would be dead."

Havelock rolled Moist beside him and hugged him from behind. Moist curled up like a kitten and Havelock curved his body around him. He protectively shifted ever so slightly on top of him. This combination of emotions was completely new for Havelock. He wanted to go back to the comfort of his day to day life. He wanted to once again become the type of person who never shows what he is thinking and never has to deal with this sappy stuff. He wanted to make Moist suffer for hurting him so much. He wanted to hold him down and make him pay. He wanted to never let him leave. He wanted to keep him forever and be the only person in his life. He wanted to embrace him every day knowing he will be there tomorrow. He wanted to love him.

He wanted the pain.

Havelock clutched Moist's body to his own. He moved around him trying to maintain as much contact as possible and Moist complied. He let Havelock surround him, guard him. He succumbed to the feeling of warmth, safety, and devotion that came from his touch. This was what Moist had wanted. This was the one thing he never had and now could not live without. The fear of losing it hurt him more than he ever thought possible.

"Don't leave me," he said.

"I… I couldn't even if I tried," said Havelock. His voice was thin as if he didn't want to be heard.

"I love you"

Havelock didn't reply. He pressed his face against Moist's back.

"I love you," Moist repeated with more certainty.

"I can't… I can't fall in love. I won't love you. I can't do that.

"Do you love me, Havelock?"

"It's not enough! This isn't right! There's no balance!"

"But, do you love me?"

"I can't have this!"

"Do you want to love me?"

"More than anything."

"Then I'll let you. You can love me and I will be happy. You can hold me and I will fly. Stay by my side and I will be there with you."

"It's too much…"

"Will you love me? Will you protect me?"

"Yes!"

"Do you love me?"

"Yes…"

"Say it."

"I… I love you."

"I love you too."

"Now don't make me say it again."

.

.

"How patient can you be, Moist? Will you be able to wait? A year might be sufficient."

"Can I stay with you during that time?"

"Yes, if that is what you want."

"Maybe you will let me be your vice."

"I believe you already are."

"I mean your second in command."

"You want to make our relationship political?"

"There is no way you're going to stop being a politician. It's a big part of your life. I might as well join in."

"I'm not sure my credibility can withstand that. I will need to seriously redesign my public image."


End file.
